Look, all I am saying is that I am STRESSED. The world is going to shit, I am fat, sad, broke, and lonely - and my work is slowly killing me.
But it's fine. This is fine.
I find myself oscillating between self esteem and optimism and "why bother." I need to make practical steps to improve my job situation, but figuring out how to get an education when you are both money and time broke is harder than you might think. Right now it makes more sense to stay where I am. I cannot afford a 10-15 dollar an hour pay cut. I just know I could excell somewhere else and life would be much more enjoyable if I had time to take a weekend class or participate more in things that give me energy like theatre and arts.
Life has taken so much out of me lately. I know the vibrant optimistic joyful dreamer is still here, she still speaks to me on the regular giving me encouragement and ideas for art; sometimes I look into the mirror and I see her smiling back and telling me I am AWESOME SAUCE.
The last few times I was energetic and joyful, it was quickly smashed down by negativity in the people around me. I miss being around people who appreciated and embraced my scatterbrained but goodhearted nature. I was feeling good and spritely and energetic not too long ago, and my mother shot it down with a judgemental "you are really hyped up" and later told me to make sure to let other people talk. So I tried to shove my excitement and my personality down. Again.
Everyone at work is overstressed. 4 people down means overtime for everyone. It helps financially, but 60-80 hours a week in a basement listening to people having the worst days of their lives is rough for any of us. I am desperate for positivity and hope. I am considering going back to nights for a while just for a change. It's a hard decision though.
I am almost finished with the first 20 Color Cube Palette doodles. Then I will post them all here on my site. I had to use some censoring on the last tiktok video, ha ha. Odds are that will happen again. I do so love plopping in some nudes in my doodles.
Maybe sometime soon I will take myself out on my own adventure date. Get dressed up, go see the Redons at the Cleveland Museum of art; have a tasting menu and a wine pairing somewhere nice.
---that is if my sense of taste ever comes back from this second round of Covid.
Yeah, three weeks and only pockets of being able to taste. It's a unique and brutal type of torture. I have been looking at a new jam I bought a while back waiting for the time I can actually taste it fully.
Whoever reads this, wherever you are, don't give up hope. I still believe there is potential and good and positivity in the world. I still believe that art and vitality is constantly brewing in me and in so many people out there.
Find something beautiful in the day.
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