Good News: My old man Scribbles won an award in the yearly Trekell pet portrait contest. And it was from the owner which somehow makes me even happier.
Bad News: I want to die. Not really maybe die - but yeah. Not be.
I am not well and after tomorrow off I am entering into a period where I could be working up to 16 12 hour days in a row. 12 in a row is definite. And 3 of those days are back to back possible 18 hour shifts with 6 hours in between.
And I don't know how to make it except day by day. I am not sure when I will be able to take care of the house or make food. I considered signing up with a meal service like Factor for the month, but I am not sure if that is in the budget. I am sick of chicken and rice and fast food. But lately all I have energy for is loading the instant pot with whatever I have on hand.
I am not sure if it is just the stress of my job making me feel so hopeless or if it is - everything. But I lean toward the latter. Also hormones. Because I go through waves and right now is a hard one. I just don't want to be and every day is a struggle to feel like life is worth living. It's not who I am at the core. I don't feel like me. I feel like I can kinda say this on some blog nobody probably reads and let some of my frustration out. I wish I had the energy and hope to be able to work through this slump. I hope it will come soon. I am afraid I will break - quit my job and then not be able to come back up from the depths.
My city got hit by a bit of hurricane Helene last night. All hands on deck. I went into work to assist. Despite everyone losing power and one lady reporting her whole patio roof being torn off - my rolling chair on my porch stayed where it was. Also, the "turdis" port-o-john was caught on security cam floating right behind the cars at the front of the building.... between this little giggle and the outright gaffaw I had reading an officer's call notes about a large "lustful toy"that was offending the neighbor by displayed in a window I have had a lot to smile about.
In a box, or grippy socks - thats the only way I will be free of this job anytime soon. I don't like either option so I got to try to focus on the good and remember to breathe. There is supposed to be help sometime in November. I just need to make it through October and then try to find a better way up and out that doesn't involve me taking a 10-15hr paycut.
Focus on one moment at a time, Bambersnatch. I don't want to go backward, I want to go forward to something that truly uses the best of my skills but with hours that allow me to also explore different aspects of life I haven't been able to do because my job hours and pagers and requirements are sucking the life out of life. My only life is my job right now. And my job is killing me.
Behold - The Turdis!
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