Happy Holidays everyone. I have a lot going on this year. TW - Suicidal Ideation
I have repeatedly gotten myself into situations where I give love and friendship to people who continuously wound me and then I wonder why I am bleeding so much I lose consciousness. And still I wonder how I can help them - when I know what's best for me is to step away from wounded people for a while and tend to my own.
A few nights ago I had an emotional conversation with a friend and thought perhaps he was ready to admit he needed help - so I sent local police for a welfare check. It was a bad call and he hasn't talked to me since. Either he was lying to me about his direct comments the last few months about his plans or he lied to the officers and said he had none. Either way I have probably ruined the trust in our friendship - which would have been an acceptable sacrifice if he could get help and decide that he wanted to keep trying to live.
Reactions to my decision are mixed. Most say I was justified to try. Others say I should have just stopped talking to someone so broken a long time ago and that I was wasting my time giving to someone who doesn't appreciate who I am. But I am not sure if anyone who chooses to show love and care for someone is ever wasting time. My bestie joked about me messing up her access to someone that could help her get her TV moved this week - but she also didn't blame me. She just wanted to give me crap to try and make me feel better.
I want to finish his Christmas gift - even if I never have a chance to get it to him. It's been a lot of money and work so far and I am proud of what I have done.
On the positive side - I am assistant directing a play with a friend. Auditions are in January. No Exit - a play about 3 ppl in hell who start to realize they were put there with a purpose. I loved the play in college, and am really excited to work with a small group of actors and a good director to give my little local theatre a slice of psychological suspense.
I am in a purge mode - helped a friend moved this weekend and ended up the owner of so many new things it's time to get rid of some old things. When things weight heavy on my heart I do have a tendency to want to purge clutter from my life somewhat. Maybe it's symbolic of my need to balance my emotional state.
Not a lot of time to do art in the midst of all this - though I will be posting my progress on my designs and sewing of the Christmas singlet. I just need to get a good amount of time to myself. Transitioning to a new shift so working two long weeks in a row and after that - play practices!
I hope everyone has a decent holiday. I am gnoshing on fig and goat cheese mini toasts for my work lunch.
Things will get better.
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