This has been a whirlwind of a month. The play and it's closing, my birthday (spent mostly in bed feeling like I wanted to do something but WHAT?). All the museums and fun restaurants were closed so I also closed. It was a very lonely birthday. Luckily I had a great night before drinking with the bestie and her son and playing card games.
My car battery died on opening night of the play. Good timing universe! Ha!
Went to see Hadestown, which was a blast. Visited the CMU to see the exhibit on Pompeii and my favorite part of the museums was the miniature builds of Cincinnati during different time periods. Miniatures are the BEST.
My bestie lost her mom on the holiday. Fairly suddenly. Then her dog was diagnosed with a heart condition - the dog she kinda inherited from her mom. Poor girl.
Then my washer broke and flooded my house. Do I have money for a new set? Nope. Am I gonna be doing the laundromat scene for a while? Yep.
Still no art made for the most part, though I did make my first plush, um, thing? I think he is cute and it was my first time doing safety eyes. I used a pattern from fluffmonger.com but deviated for everything except the body. Cannot wait to try something else. I have a fluffy fabric ready to go.
I want to do everything at once, and also nothing. It's an odd feeling. I have spent a lot of time lately wallowing in guilt and unworthiness. What's the name for it? Imposter syndrome? Maybe I am just chronically fat and depressed and tired. I have put so much weight on that I avoid going out for fear of being seen by someone I haven't seen in a while or an ex who would think - thank God I got out of THAT situation. When what I really want is to be able to connect to my worth beyond the meat sack enough that what those people think wouldn't bother me. I am working on it.
We had an outside council meet with us for work to come up with actionable ideas to make the work environment better, but I confessed to her that even though I appreciate my job and do my best and often do like it in many ways - I feel like it zaps my energy, my focus, my life, my drive. I don't want to live like my mother has...assuming work is a chore and only staying in the job I have because of security and out of fear of being homeless or going back to struggling. It's hard enough out there as is.
Why can't I appreciate a paycheck enough to make feeling squished in a box I don't fit into bearable?
Why can't I figure out how to balance life so I can also do what I am passionate about? And why are all my passions not profitable? lol
Why can't I feel worthy right now of even having the audacity to have passions??
My brain won't shut up. It hates being a cog. It craves creativity in life and experiences outside of the box in the basement. I need color and good food and culture and just - more joy.
I cannot bear to think the best and most exciting part of my life is behind me. It's up to me to create something worthwhile going forward. I just need to figure out what that is and make actionable goals to get there.
It's late. 4am comes early. Time to rest and reset and try to be the best version of me I can be, give the best of me I can to the world and to my work.
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